I Am A big Fake

Looking for something new

2009-05-26T04:00:28Z

My life is a mess. 2 of my adult children have moved back home and I can't get rid of them this has interfered with my relationship and it was destroyed. I'ved tried at a new relationship but this is confusing and I don't know where it's going or if it's going at all. I just want my life back, to have a social life, to have peace and serenity not all this caos... I don't even know where to go to meet people my own age!

Back from the grave

2008-02-16T22:27:17Z

I took a sabatical for the year. I had to try to get back in touch with what myself. I don't know how well this happened. Last year was full of very difficult emotions. I have entered into a new relationship with some one who has been around for about 20 years we became close during this last year and I am happy to be with him. This year has been a real rollar coaster ride of emotions. I miss Zig and think of him daily but I also care for Alan very much and am getting use to being in a new relationship that is in a toally different arena then what my life was with Zig. I really am confused as to what my life is anymore, everything has changed yet I am to continue on as before. Everything has changed, my work, my personal life, my relationship with my friends and family.

afakeid01 @ 2006-12-31T03:21:00

2006-12-31T03:21:23Z

What kind of Witch are you?

You are a Confident Witch!You can walk the walk and talk the talk! you know what you're doing and are a born leader.
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Hears to the New Year

2006-12-31T03:05:11Z

The end of a bad year has come. I am looking forward to better things this coming year. Thanks to friends and family, I have made it through this difficult time in one piece. A close friend of ours has personally taken it upon hisself to not let me isolate my self and his friendship has meant so much to me. My daughter has helped me through some very difficult days and I am very grateful to all they have done for me. I still have some very emotional roller coaster rides with my feelings but I am seeing things better these days. I especially appreciate the words of hope and support from all who have written me. Thank you so much....much hugs A

Life continues

2006-12-09T19:06:50Z

It's been over a month since I lost my love. I continue to go through my daily routine but theres always this void that I have to deal with. A close friend of ours has made it his mission to make sure I continue as my love would of wanted which can be very painful. I went to the ocean a couple of weeks ago and scattered ashes in the wind at suset (Our favorite time when we went) and cried the whole time there. The trip proved to be so painful I came home a day early. I find I try and do things too soon and end up depressing myself. I want to go on but am struggling to find a way to do so. I just miss him!

And so this chapter ends

2006-11-23T23:05:18Z

On Oct 29, 2006, my best friend, my love, my soul mate pass away. I am finding that things are difficult for me to do right now. I am finding that concentration at work is difficult and doing anything at home is difficult but I do not want to go or do anything. I miss him dearly and have found that there is something missing from within me. We have been together for almost 20 years, I have known him for 35 years and now it is hard to go about life with out him there. I don't even know how to go out and socialize. I do not mind the thought of being on my own but I miss having him here to talk to and to be with me. I spend every day with him in my thoughts and not much else. My heart is hurting so much and I don't know how to heal it.

afakeid01 @ 2006-10-16T01:16:00

2006-10-16T01:16:58Z

What Color are your wings?(Mainly for Girls)Beautiful Pix!

You have Blue Wings! You are artistic and highly creative. Others are amazed by your imaginative ideas, and the way you speak so smoothly. You are very social, but you like talking face-to-face, instead of the phone. You love dancing, Writing, acting, drawing, singing, anything that requires artistic style. You have many friends, and are popular because of your unique style. Though your jokes crack up everyone around you, you often daydream about many different things, lost in your own world. Even though, you are optimistic, and remain friendly and loved by others in reality, you always like to visit your fantasy world for some peace from the hectic world.
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Time moves on

2006-10-16T00:26:28Z

Things are only at a low rumble right now. I'm taking care of my 3 year old grandson who is a handful and allows me little time to do the things I need or want to do. The weather is sitting in the low 80s, so that is nice. Z is doing well but does get testy at times and writing notes back and forth just doesn't always get it. I'll be going to get a altra sound and to a gyn specialist next week to find out more about my condition. I really miss my time communicating on the net. Hope things get back to normal soon!!!! (I need a vacation!!)

Well I'm Back!!!

2006-10-01T23:44:49Z

Sorry for being gone for so long but things got real crazy for me and I didn't know if I was coming or going. Z finished his radiation and is on his 2nd chemo treatment. He seems to be doing a lot better, he's been up and around doing things. Today he was up early chopping at an oleander root we're wanting to get rid of. He often has dinner ready when I get home from work (resulting in pounds adding on) I had my annual checkup just before Z got sick and have finally go back to my doctor for my follow up and they found the wrong cells in my pap smear so now I'm having to go have ultra sounds and an appt. with a specialist. My youngest ds is still driving me crazy to which I have no control on the coming events to which he is headed. Work is totally out of control and I'm so far behind I don't know if I'll get out of the hole for 6 months.
On the lighter side: weather is great right now with just the right amount of "autumn crispness" in the air, I love it.
Hope to be back much sooner than lately!

Help me I'm meelltinnnnggggg!!!!!

2006-07-28T05:30:11Z

105 to 113 is just plain cruel. I would sell my first born for a perfect 70's year round weather.(Of course he may have something to say about that!) I feel like I'm that hamster on the wheel...just running as fast as I can but getting no where, well actually I think I'm going backwards. Z has started radiation, I don't know what to do for him, he isn't talking to me about it so I don't know how it's affecting him. I feel feal lame asking him how he feels. His daughter has been coming by with our grand daughter and I've been real enjoying having her back in our lives. She always cheers me up with her insight at 6 years old. We will be getting to know the younger girl soon when my daughter moves into her new home and has the girls living back with her. Well I feel a nice cool shower calling me before bed. Need to cool off!!!!

From Pret's lj

2006-07-28T04:30:13Z

Which One of The 7 Main Arts Are You? (Beautiful Pictures -- FIXED!)

You are ~Story Writing~
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TGIF

2006-07-22T05:13:59Z

Another week down the drain. Things have been a little quiter lately. Z is doing better, he's able to take in food now through his feeding tube so he is putting weight on again. He had a trach tube put in on the 6th. We're now dealing with the medical society reality...money... The oncologist want to get started on Z's treatement right away but they want a secondary insurance in place...Z has Medicare which only pays 80% of the bill so we have to have a secondary to pick up the other 20%...we apply for Medical which can take 30 to 45 days to process... that was 6/19...we're still waitng ... medical is changing to a new computer system and is doing all the transfer this month so everything may be delays in the processing... in mean time the oncologist won't start treatment. The radiologist on the other hand are willing to start so he'll be strating radiation next week. work is hard, I've been out so much it's hard to get back in the swing of things so I'm lagging on getting my work done and half the summer is already over. It's been miserably hot and I really hate hot and they don't see any break any time soon...aghhhh!

and it all comes tumbling down

2006-07-14T05:26:45Z

Have not been able to post lately have spent most of my time at the hospital lately. Z finally was released yesterday. He is better now that he's home. I don't know if I'm coming or going and I don't know what I'm doing any more. I'm just tired but too tired to sleep, since now I spend my time listening for something to might happen....and life goes on...or does it.

blurrrr

2006-07-03T03:46:36Z

Everything has become a blur around me. We go to doctors who send us to more doctors who run tests and tell us they want to do even more tests and they of course want to make sure we have the back up insurance to pay for all these things. Friends and family have all offered their sympathy but theres not much else anyone can do. I don't even know what I should do. Tomorrow Z goes in for surgery, thye're going to remove whats left of his teeth and put in a tube in his throat. Being that it is end of the month and end of the fiscal year I have been having to run into work do reports and leave inbetween appts. I had to go in yesterday to get most of the reports done, I will go in tomorrow, after Z goes into surgery, to finish what I have left to do. Luckily we got 2 days off so no kids will be there tomorrow. I don't like having to take each day at a time.

and we go on...

2006-06-24T00:54:44Z

I have not posted for awhile... things have taken a bad turn... Last Friday my partner woke with having severe problems breathing, he was unable to talk and tell me what was wrong... I called 911 and they had some trouble because he was unable to talk. They get him to the hospital ... I told them about his problem with pain in his ear and inability to open his month and talk, they thought he was having troubles due to stroke or heart, they did some CAT, X-rays, & MRI. And discovered he has advance cancer on the back of his tongue and along his jaw. He has been losing weight over the last year mostly in the last few months. He was 250 lbs a year ago and now was weighing 140. The day before he had did some work in the garden, got dehydrated and, because he was having trouble swallowing, could not hydrate hisself. He was severely malnurished (he would not go to the doctors for his pain). They got hydrated and put a feeding tube in his stomach and gave him morphine for the pain. After a couple days he began to feel much better. I brought him home Wed. He is feeling better now but will be under going chemo/radiation treatment in the next couple of months. I notified his daughter who finally came by to see him, she will be bringing by our grand-daughter next week. Will update more later...

Another weekend down the tubes

2006-06-12T02:03:04Z

Well I got to half of my cupboards cleaned...yeah... My personal room is pretty well in order and the livingroom is not to bad.
We recieved a letter after 2 years of silence from our daughter... curious as to what well happen next. We our very hopeful to finally see our 2 grand daughters.
Work is coming to the final note with the the big wigs coming in next week for the beg review. I'm still doing a lot of getting things settled. I hate being rushed. Next week will come more time off...yeah!!! If my son stays out of jail, He's not been following all his requirments so I'm not very hopeful plus the sabatoge by this girl "friend" who likes to set him up for failure.
This weekend has had some nice weather but I fear it will be short term and the heat will come back for quite awhile. (I really hate this time of year) Next week I hope to get the other half of the kitchen done I'm also hoping to guilt my son into getting started on the painting of some of my inside rooms. Guess I'll go now....

afakeid01 @ 2006-06-01T23:53:00

2006-06-02T06:53:17Z

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love.
You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!)

Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic

What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays

Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

afakeid01 @ 2006-06-01T23:46:00

2006-06-02T06:46:03Z

Your Power Level is: 46%

There's a good chance you feel pretty powerful, and with good reason, you're already fairly successful.
Keep developing your goals and skills, and you'll be surprised by what you can really achieve.

How Powerful Are You?

I Think I Might be A Stalker

2006-06-02T06:22:33Z

Today is my Friday. I start my 5 day weekend tomorrow and hopefully I won't spend it running around for other people. My plans are to work around the house and get my room completed. I've been working on my Office/personal room for quite while now and it's still a mess. Today was a good day for Z and he got up and did some work around the yard. Ds#3 got into some trouble...again...and I thought "there goes my vacation"..but everything is fine. I'm thinking ---if I lose my cell phone maybe no one will bug me for the next 5 days. Came across some info on my daughter... she's kinda, homeless now I wonder what's going on with the girls... put some feelers out...emailed her about her dad not doing well but I don't know if I'll get any response from her. I'm going to try to make Z go to the doctor's (good Luck) if he doesn't go soon I don't know what to do, I'm scared I'm going to come home and find him in a coma or something. Guess I'm going to go make me a list of all the things I hope to do these next few days...to bad the weathers going to heat up I would really enjoy the temps in the 70's instead of 90+ of well..... let you know how things go....A

afakeid01 @ 2006-05-29T19:18:00

2006-05-30T02:18:32Z

What is your daemon?

You have a dolphin for a daemon. You'er playful and you don't have a care in the world. Life is just one big game for you.
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The End of a 3 day Weekend

2006-05-30T02:08:58Z

How bitter sweet it is to end such a lovely weekend, nice weather.... not to much of any interruptions.... and I got several things done that I wanted to do! I scrapbook on friday evening, Sat. I washed dishes and moped the kitchen floor. and vegged out in front of the T.V.... Sun. I watched grandkids and went to a grand nieces birthday (which is a whole different story).... Today I've got mopping, vacumning, dusting and cleaned up the livingroom and watched the ole boob tube while I puttered around the place. And I finally got the courage to send a message to both my daughter and my grand-daughters other grandmother about the deteriating health of my other half. On a scale of 1 to 10 this has been a 7. I than have 3 days of work than it's off for several days of vacation...yahhh!!!

AGH!!!!!!!!!! Net keeps going down

2006-05-23T04:18:15Z

What has been happpening around here???? ADULT children.... I haven't been home very much, until this weekend i finally was able to get to my laundry. Saturday was somewhat hectic I had darling gd#2 and she is getting better to watch. We went shopping. Yesterday I kinda did little bits of different things I like to do, went on line and paid some bills, found out my daughter is getting married which is funny since I don't know if she's gotten a divorce from her husband yet.... I even got to do a little bit of planting!!!! Looking forward to the 3 day weekend and scrapbooking of friday night. In another couple of weeks I'm going to take several days off before the summer session begins.
Work has been a bear and I'm really getting fed and am ready to just throw out the baby with the bath water. Reviews in a few weeks and they're still having me redo files, some back to the way I had them before they had me make changes. I can't wait till the fiscal year is over.....

A Good Day

2006-05-08T04:26:47Z

Well this weekend turned out not so bad... I was able to get some things done around the house with only a minimal amount of interruptions... almost lost $250.00 but found it... now I'm able to mess around on the net for awhile... yes this is a good day ^_^

Feeling disgusted

2006-05-06T01:16:20Z

Well the kids have continued to fustrate me. The 1st of the month and bills have to get paid but everyones checks are delayed so I'm stuck with trying to balance out everything. I am really getting fusrated with people not following throughand doing their part. No wonder people go out and go bolistic. I want to run away!!!

TGIF

2006-04-29T05:20:17Z

I really enjoy Friday... even when I've had a week like I did. I'm presently on a power time crunch to get files done before the big reveiw in June. This includes going through approximantly 40 files and making sure evry i dotted and t crossed or face merciless torture from the superiors... this also includes getting end of the month reports, preparing for parent conferences which include the 6 month evaluation of those same 40 children of whose files I am going through... plus I am getting ready for our summer program of which I am now getting bomparted with people who are looking to get in for the summer. On MY timr I'm having to rush home after work to sit with my grandson so his father can go to court ordered NA meetings. I usually get home about 8:30. It has come to my attention that before I had kids I could find all kinds of information about the trials and tribulations of the infant to toddler, preadolescent to adolesant, the teenage years but they never tell you about dealing with they adult child who doesn't listen to you but thinks you are there at thier beck and call... ahhh mee!!! But I did come across some interesting findings that certain person wouldn't think I would find out so I'm really pumped about how smart I really am...mahahahaha!!!!